Author Wishes to Remain Anonymous
I don’t feel any one learning experience has stood out as the most important, however, the lessons I am currently learning seem like they will be very important once I have finished working through them.
I’m currently learning how to love myself,
allow myself to be loved,
accept love from others
and love them for who they truly are.
I was raised in a cult.
We were taught from early on that we, human flesh, were wicked, evil, no good, and not to be loved.
We were to hate ourselves.
We were to hate our own humanity.
We were made to feel and believe we were unworthy of love because of our wickedness.
The only way to be worthy of love was to live a life that meant obeying unwritten brainwashing rules and conforming to the authorities standards.
Many, if not all of my struggles, when worked through, can be correlated to one or many of the basic tenets and principles of the cult.
Something I am currently working on is my tendency to withhold love.
I love with conditions.
I know that it is wrong.
I find myself holding back love when the person, situation or events don’t meet my criteria of acceptable.
I have ridiculously high standards and when they are not met I become angry and withhold love as a punishment. It’s easy for me to see how ridiculously high my standards are in retrospect. But in that moment, it’s so very important to me. I feel hurt and unloved when my expectations are not met and therefore, I withhold love as if it is only a reward.
As if that person has failed me and is unworthy.
We were raised in a cult that had ridiculously high standards.
There was so much expected of us and when we did not meet the standards we were frowned upon, scolded, and privileges we had worked so hard for, were taken away.
The only way to avoid this was to go above any beyond perfect.
Then the expectation was raised higher.
We were set up to fail, and became meek and secluded.
It is apparent to me that had the expectations been set at a reasonable level, and positive reinforcement given, regardless of outcomes, we wouldn’t have just settled for being miserable. We would have striven to be better, to gain more positive attention.
I’m learning how this applies to my giving and receiving of love. If only I could show unconditional love. My partner, my children, my family and friends would strive to be better, to gain more. Instead I fear I am forcing them to be miserable. No matter how hard they try I am never happy. A piece of me tries to argue that they should just try harder, but the learning me realizes I am only encouraging them not to even try at all. After all, I am setting them up to fail. I should just accept them for who they are just as they accept me. I should not expect them to mold to fit my desired profile.
This is only one very small example of how extremist evangelism has scarred me and still influences me today.
These things are very hard to dig up because they hurt so badly.
I have kept them buried for years and only recently begun to dig them out.
I feel when I am finished,
I will be a much more capable WOMAN
and that these will be my most important learning experiences.
