Mr. Irvine Grey From Ireland, Needs YOUR Help!!!

Angela,

I love that handle and I loved your very interesting post.

You have a lovely balanced overvew and outlook on life. I am glad you still have some family relationships still intact....that is not always the case....
sharon hargreaves
Canada

Dear irvine,

I am a 41 year old, South African female. I was born into the doctrine/religion/sect commonly referred to by outsiders as "Two By Twos" and my family (mother, father, siblings) were prominent members of this religion, as they bought the convention grounds in Port Elizabeth, South Africa, when I was about 10 years of age. I never "professed" . I told my parents that I choose not to participate as I simply cannot agree with it. My mother was shocked but realised that she could not force me to agree. She still forced me to attend meetings and abide by the rules. As she said, while I was living with them, it was her responsibility to ensure that I followed their rules - which I suppose is not unusual. What was unusual, though, is that such intelligent, educated and gracious folk actually bought into this. My family were very devout and we had workers living in our house most of the year. Growing up was far from normal because of that religion. Although my older three siblings all belonged to this faith (two still do), I decided to leave home at the very first opportunity, so as to explore what was really out there.

We were brought up to shun the "worldly" ways. I was not even permitted to join Girl Guides, let alone do ballet. Fortunately, making music was part of our family ritual and I enjoyed playing instruments. I was permitted to play classical music, excepting on the Sabbath and a Saturday night, when only hymns were permitted. I declined to play any music on those times and instead, retired to the couch with visible Romance novels. Not that I liked them and today can't even stomach seeing one, but it was my way of showing rebellion.

What I found particularly damaging being brought up in this way was that, when I left home, I had no concept of what was really wrong or right. It appeared that everything was wrong: dancing, tv, wearing jeans or jewellry, make-up, movies, smoking, drinking, sport on a competitive level, cutting hair, manicuring nails - hell (excuse the pun), even a pretty engagement ring was frowned upon as unnecessary adornment. I realised I had to acquire my own value system, which can be dangerous for a young girl who has no knowledge of interaction in the world. My instincts must have been ok, because I survived quite well and consider myself to be pretty well-adjusted, without bitterness or anger. I must admit to a period of anti-religion and intolerance towards anybody who I considered stupid enough to raise their young in such a restrictive environment but my natural broad-mindedness and tolerance towards others kicked in. I have a live-and-let-live approach. I don't often tell my family or those that I occassionally chat to that are still in the religion how I feel. I've made my opinion known that I dont and never have agreed and I choose to live outside of that religion. But, when my oldest sister followed my parents' footsteps and bought and moved into the house on the convention grounds, her daughter was at a similar age to what I was when my parents moved. I thought it prudent to chat to her. I found it particularly interesting that she listened, as if hearing my perspective for the first time. I told her how I believed it had negatively impacted on my ability to interact in the real world and how it set me back. I cautioned her : Rose, you've always WANTED to participate. I never did and THAT made the difference. I advised her not to assume that her daughter would naturally share her enthusiasm to sacrifice "worldly" experience for this religion and not to be too rigid and to find a mid-way between conforming to her religious beliefs, yet allowing her daughter not to feel an outcast in society. I was able to do this without offending her, as we have a good relationship, notwithstanding very different lifestyles and beliefs. I never criticize their religion and they don't question mine. There is mutual respect and love.

There were many incidents that I remember where I considered those to be acting contrary to what they themselves preached. I always have been outspoken, albeit respectfully stated. Bearing in mind that I never took part nor professed and was present at these gatherings and social events only because I was forced to, I (quite correctly) considered that the workers and others to have no right to lecture, advise or admonish me me when it came to showing committment to their ways. Just to give you insight into those days in South Africa, television had just arrived. Everybody else had TV. Denim jeans hit the scene and everybody also had denims. As a young girl, one's appearance is more important than perhaps it ought to be and I was particularly sensitive about being forced to donn ridiculous, out-dated dresses. I managed to find a style which complied with their regulations, yet suited me and did not make me feel quite as "out". We found these Indian-print style dresses which were pretty hip at the time and went well with leather sandles. To hold my long hair in place, pretty hair-clips. Though bordering on hippy style, it still looked feminine and complied with rather onerous rules - no shoulders showing, not too long, nor too short, etc. I remember one worker, Uncle Luke Kennett, who lived with us for SIX long years and enjoyed riling us youngsters. One night, he looked at the hair-clip I was wearing. It had shells on it. He told me, with a disapproving frown, that it was inappropriate as the shells were unnecessary adornment. I could not help myself - after all this effort, he STILL finds something to criticize. I immediately retorted that his tie-clip carried a tiger's eye precious stone on it and said I would only remove my clip if he removed his tie-pin. Good for the Goose, good for the Gander. I got a hiding for being disrespectful. My mom told me that I was one of the priviledged few to have been born into that religion and to be showed the truth and the way. Apparently, once being shown the way, my punishment would be worse than others who had not found the way, as I had been given the opportunity. I told her "Hogwash".

On that note, today, I avoid disrespecting any "man of the cloth", whether it be Christian, Jewish, Hindu or any other religion but think this is more despite my upbringing than because of it. I have a natural tolerance for others' ideology and respect for differing cultures than my upbringing.

Another thing I found quite interesting. As you've studied this, you must know their views on divorce and the "way". In my instance, my family is prominent amongst the South African congregation. At the young age of 20, I married my then-boyfriend. Naturally, not in the church, as I left home at 18, the very earliest legal age in SA in those years, solely because I could not handle those rules. My marriage did not last and I got divorced after 2 years. Subsequently, I re-married and have been happily married for 16 years. Shortly after my second marriage I recall a chap that I grew up with who had become a worker, Derek Phaal, visited me. He's actually a sweetie and I can't understand how somebody so intelligent, fun & educated could buy into this. But I realised he was a friend and his intentions, tho misguided, were really only good. He told me that he is able to speak on behalf of the church and said that the "way" was not as strict as it used to be. In keeping with all religions, the ages and modern generation were not as petty as before and that, should my new husband and I wish to join, they would allow this because my first marriage was not blessed by the "way" and therefore (I assume) was not considered binding on my conscience. Needless to say, I thanked him for their thoughtfullness but declined, saying hell would freeze over before I considered ever subjecting myself, my husband or any children to that closed-minded, restrictive cult. I am no longer so vociferous about the odd invitation I get extended, I now merely smile and serenly decline.

Although I still see the "bunch" as we call them (no disrespect intended, I just can't refer to them as they do themselves "Christians" as I believe that embraces all who believe in Christ). I see members of the bunch when I visit my family and some of them I grew up with. I have no difficulty with them, nor do I try to change their minds or insult their beliefs. As they live by example, so I do to. I hope I am an example to them that despite growing up in that faith and shunning it, I am happy, well-adjusted and a good, contributing member of society who loves and respects all others.

Another aspect I find interesting about this religion: The years i grew up in South Africa was the heart of apartheid, under a conservative regime. Meetings are held in residences, as you know. The "whites" were obliged to hold their 3 times a week meeting in homes in their designated areas of residence. The law of the country was that "colourds" were not allowed to live, socialise or school with "whites". One thing that was progressive about the "way" in those days was that at least twice a year (convention and special meetings), both black and white members met at the common convention grounds, despite frowns from a conservative "white" neighbourhood who wondered what these "coloured" folk were doing in a "white" area.

I still have the odd contact with ex-bunch "kids" and some presently still "bunch". One Ex-Bunch with a chip on the shoulder is Shane Wright, who has big issues. Something to do with his mother not being allowed to remarry after her husband divorced her, through no fault of her own. She was never allowed to remarry and is still single, despite being an attractive, vicacious and lovely person. This turned Shane bitter and twisted and he started recruiting those that were against the religion. I heard he has a group somewhere on the internet and he has recently left SA and is based in Germany. He apparently gate-crashed some of their gatherings, administering to the congregation about how wrong they were and why. I kept clear from such behaviour, as I don't need to address this. I love and respect my family because they happen to be lovely people - those in and those outside the religion. Their religion does not in any way detract from the relationship that we enjoy as a family and our history is there, its the interpretation thereof that differs. I had good times with my family, notwithstanding the strict rules. Their intentions were good, they love me with or without my religious participation. They say they live by example, I hope that I am perceived as an example of one who has been exposed to this, yet lives a well-adjusted, guilty-free life, a good and wholesome person who contributes to society and shows love, forgiveness and grace, despite never having "availed" myself of the opportunity of belonging to this sect.
Feel free to contact me should you require any further information. My personal e-mail is hrpe@mweb.co.za.
Angela Ostling