Self-Worth --- Where Does Yours Come From?
The book, "Never Be Lied to Again"
, by David Lieberman Ph. D. contains several important points on pages 196-198:
Just Do This One Little Thing for Me?
“Know when to stick to your guns and when not to."
Most of us have a strong tendency to act in a manner consistent with our previous actions --- even if it’s not a good idea. It’s just human nature. We are compelled to be consistent in our words, thought, beliefs and actions.
It has to do with the ability to make a decision independent of previous decisions. And the higher a person’s self esteem, the greater the chance that he or she will make independent decisions. The following, which is from my book, "Instant Analysis", deals with this phenomenon.
If you have a low or negative self-image, then you feel more compelled to justify your previous actions, so you can be “right.”
- You will eat food that you don’t like because you ordered it.
- You will watch a video that you really don’t want to see because you went “all the way to the video store in the rain to get it.”
- You continually try to “make things right,” justifying old actions with consistent behavior.
In other words, watching the video that you went to get makes getting the video the smart thing to do, even if you no longer feel like watching it. Your primary concern is with ‘being right,’ even if it means compromising present judgment in order to satisfy and justify past behaviors.
This is done in the hope that you can turn things around so that you can be right.”
The ultimate example of this behavior is the process of cult recruiting. You may wonder how an intelligent and aware person could ever get involved in a cult ---- where the members give up family, friends, possessions, and in some very sad instances, their lives.
The higher a person’s self esteem, the less likely he or she will be to fall prey to a cult – primarily because a person with a positive self-image can admit to himself, and to others, that he’s done something stupid.
Those who lack self-worth cannot afford to question their judgment, worth, or intelligence.
The method employed in cult recruitment is to involve the person slowly over a period of time. Each new step of involvement forces the person to justify his or her previous behavior. This is why cultists don’t just walk up to someone and say, “Hey, do you want to join our cult and give up all of your possessions?”
“This rule can greatly influence your decision-making process. Essentially, by getting you to agree to small, seemingly innocuous requests, the person sets you up for something larger. By agreeing to the small requests, you justify your behavior by realigning your thinking as follows: “I must really care about this person or I wouldn’t be helping him” and “I must really care about this cause or I wouldn’t be doing any of this.”
“When you make decisions, notice if your best interests are being served or if you’re simply trying to “make right” a previous behavior.”
And it isn’t just your best interests that you should look at. Look at other people’s best interests as well.
There are several important points made in Dr. Lieberman’s statement…
(1.) Consistency
We tend to continue making the same kind of decisions once we have embarked on a course. So be sure of your course and check it continually, as a ship’s captain constantly watches the compass and stars. Don’t be afraid to change directions when necessary. Don’t make decisions based on parental decisions, or some authority figure unless you are sure of the basis for them. Don’t be ashamed of admitting that you don’t know or don’t understand something. Stop following something you don’t understand or can’t trust.
(2.) Self Worth
‘Self worth,’ ‘self–esteem’ or ‘self-love’ are terms often discussed by secular psychologists because counselors have observed how our decisions are often based on whether we trust someone else’s wisdom more than our own. A strong loving family with parents who cherish one another and their children is more likely to produce children with the courage of their own convictions to make good decisions rather than falling prey to someone else’s ideas. Being cherished gives us confidence, knowing someone bigger, stronger, wiser, or someone we value is there to protect us, encourage us and stand beside us. Any man, woman or child who feels cherished has more inner strength than one who feels alone. Loneliness and emotional isolation makes one more vulnerable to flattery and false attention. Sexual predators can take advantage of women who have little sense of self worth and easily prey on children who don’t have the courage to tell on them. The dowdy requirements for girls and women and the attitude that children are noisy little nuisances are the foundational recipe for victimization. While the term “poor self image” is closely linked to secular psychology, the Christian view is of an “inner strength” which comes from knowing that we are made in the image of God and that God loved us so much that He sent His only Son to die for us to pay for our sins. Inner strength is also found in our relationship to the Holy Spirit. God has said that the worth of one soul is greater than the whole world. God’s Word, His Holy Spirit and love are the source of the Christian’s sense of self worth rather than what secular psychologists recommend as “self-love.”
The workers view inner weakness as ‘meekness or humility’ when in actuality, it is neither.
Their view of meekness or submission is simply a vacuum for the workers to invade and take over.
True meekness is inner strength and discipline which comes from God.
Humility is the absence of arrogance; seeing the needs of others before one’s own.
True meekness and humility are strength of character rather than lack of courage.
Look at how courageous Jesus was to drive out the money changers, to stand up to the rulers of His culture, to face the whips, jeers and torture of the cross for the well being of people who hated Him and sinned against Him.
Dysfunctional families that put the workers’ judgment and demands above parental instincts are exposing their marriage and children to risks far greater than they realize.
- How many professing parents spend all their spare time and energy taking care of the workers and their needs rather than the needs of their spouse and children or the needs of neighbors?
- How many moms spent time taking notes and retyping worker letters over and over and sending them out in the mail?
- How many women travel all over the place to cook massive amounts of food for worker events?
- How many dads spent precious family hours at convention grounds or setting up chairs for meeting and running errands for the workers?
- How many hours were spent on the road driving to special meetings, conventions, funerals and gospel meetings?
- How many of them do this simply to be part of the inner circle, to please the head worker and to stay on his good side?
- How many hours were spent listening to workers drone on and on about allegories that had no real biblical content in them?
Think about how the workers heap attention on the rare new people coming to meetings and ignore everyone else except their inner circle. The inner circle lends credibility to the workers. An outsider with low self confidence is attracted to that glow of the inner circle. But usually that attention and deference disappears as soon as the person or family is hooked. Then the new people spend months or years wondering what happened, feeling angst and desire for that previous attention or they fall into the pattern of submission to all the requirements without thinking about why they are actually succumbing to mind control. Then they pass on this miserable feeling to their children and descendants.
(3.) Being railroaded into something you don’t understand by agreeing to small requests.
Professing people love the fact that they don’t have to do anything or give much money to the workers. Instead, they are giving up something far more precious than time or money. They are giving their minds, logic, souls, lives, their wives, and children to an idolatrous, parasitic system with no eternal life or reward. Ask yourself if you really have a relationship with God and true understanding of scripture. Did you get that from the workers or did you get it from God?
(4.) Not being able to rationally examine what you are doing or why you are doing it.
Have you actually asked the workers about their doctrine and history and gotten good consistent answers from them? Are you afraid to ask them because you KNOW that they will reject you? Did you learn the rules from the Bible or from worker or parental manipulation?
(5.) Trying to justify your past irrational behavior by continuing it.
How much time do you actually spend reading, memorizing, meditating on and studying the Bible in comparison to how much time you spend listening to the workers or traveling from meeting to meeting? Are you embarrassed to admit that you made a mistake in judgment or that your grandparents or parents made a mistake? How many of your testimonies actually reflect Biblical instruction or simply end with the “desire to do better”?
(6.) Giving your life and possessions for a cause.
Scripture definitely tells us to spend our life and possessions for God’s cause; that is how we lay up treasure in heaven. But look at the fruit of that cause. Look to see that your life, money and time are benefiting someone other than the leaders…Are many others gaining eternal life? Are you simply catering to spoiled, arrogant people? Are the workers sharing their money with others or are they hoarding it? Are you preparing feasts for well fed people or the hungry and needy? Are professing people finding joy in the Lord? Is Jesus being worshiped and honored or are the workers being honored? Are you and your family actually experiencing the fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control? Or are you depressed and discouraged? Are widows and orphans being cared for? Are people growing in knowledge and understanding of scripture with resulting life transformation? Or are they simply hiding their sin and isolating themselves from each other in order to keep their dirty little secrets? The workers accuse other pastors and evangelists of being self serving and becoming wealthy but real Christian pastors and evangelists make their money and decisions available to their congregation and governmental review and the majority is used for Christian service rather than contributing to church leadership. The workers are the ones who actually hoard their money and don’t use it for anything or anyone but themselves and their favorite allies.
(7.) The Bandwagon Effect
Believing that an action is appropriate if other people are doing it. How many people have become workers simply because they saw other workers appearing to find fulfillment in empty living? How many people have professed because the people they met at meetings seemed content? Just because someone else seems happy and you aren’t doesn’t mean you will become happy by following them. Ask yourself if you have really found peace, joy and security in the Lord or if you are simply content to be accepted by your family and “ready-made friends?” Are they truly friends you can depend on and discuss deeply held beliefs in God and scripture? Or, are all conversations about the weather, health, family, meetings, the workers and how “good the meeting” was? Are their conversations about their own superiority and the wickedness of others? (This is evidence of spiritual pride and their way of keeping people under their control.) Could you begin a conversation about praising the Lord, prophecies of the Old and New Testaments, the identity and character of God, salvation by works or grace, biblical history, eternal security, covenants of the Old Testament and find a positive and knowledgeable response? Or would they look at you like you had gone nuts? Would they reject you if you began to question their rules, history, morality and doctrines?
(8.) Linking your worth and their personal relationship to you on your loyalty to the leaders.
If you are secure in God, you can leave the group and they will still be your friends.
If the group is their god, they will reject you.
Link to You-Tube Video on David Lieberman's NEW BOOK called, "You Can Read Anyone."
Editorial Reviews for David Lieberman's Book: "Never Be Lied to Again"
When liars are being accused of something, they'll stay calm because they're working on their rebuttal; this is why detectives were suspicious of O.J. Simpson when he didn't express outrage when accused of murdering his ex-wife and Ronald Goldman. "Never Be Lied to Again" is bursting with tested tips like this for quickly determining when you're being boondoggled.
Body language, facial expressions, sentence structure, and word choice can all reveal when someone is lying, says psychologist David J. Lieberman, and he includes 46 of these "clues to deception" to help you, including tricks for framing questions without putting others on the defense.
Once you use your newly honed "human lie detector" skills to figure out if you're being lied to, you can then dig for the truth using the specific, influential words and body postures that Lieberman suggests. Written with flair and humor, Never Be Lied to Again is designed to help you get the upper hand in any situation, whether you're trying to figure out if your spouse is cheating on you or if you suspect your coworkers are cooking the books.
Amazon.com Audiobook Review:
It's difficult to have honest communication in a world where people bend the truth to fit their needs.
Even more difficult is confronting a suspected liar in an open, forthright manner. In "Never Be Lied to Again", human behaviorist, Dr. Lieberman, coaches listeners to face unfaithful lovers, colleagues, and employees. Lieberman introduces the tape and the remainder is read by male and female voices in varied tones. These different voices pinpoint numerous verbal and physical clues that will help you detect when people are lying; "attack sequences" and "silver bullets" allow you to initiate discussions with the guilty party. Although much of the information is geared to personal rather than professional situations, this tape is still a good resource for starting uncomfortable conversations. (Running time: 1.5 hours, one cassette) --Sharon Griggins
