Link: "Soul Loss"
by Dale Wolery
Here are some great books by Melody Beattie:
Codependent No More: Beyond Codependency
Beyond Codependency: And Getting Better All the Time
Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
Here are three links to continued articles on Codependency:
"Boundaries and Codependency - Part 1"
"Boundaries and Codependency - Part 2"
"Boundaries and Codependency - Part 3"
"Wellspring Retreat and Resource Center"
What is Codependency?
Codependent Personality Disorder, simply put, is taking responsibility for those around you, for THEIR behavior, feelings, etc., but NOT taking responsibility for yourself. For some reason, it is easier for a codependent person to care for others than to take responsibility for themselves.
It is a dysfunctional relationship with the self characterized by living through or for another, attempts to control others, blaming others, a sense of victimization, attempts to "fix" others, and intense anxiety around intimacy.
It is very common in people raised in dysfunctional families,
in extremely religious homes
and in partners and children of alcoholics and addicts.
Even when a codependent person encounters someone with healthy boundaries, the codependent person still operates in their own system; they’re not likely to get too involved with people who have healthy boundaries. This of course creates problems that continue to recycle; if codependent people can’t get involved with people who have healthy behaviors and coping skills, then the problems continue into each new relationship.
- It’s not okay to talk about problems
- Feelings should not be expressed openly; keep feelings to yourself
- Communication is best if indirect; one person acts as messenger between two others; known in therapy as triangulation
- Be strong, good, right, perfect
- Make us proud beyond realistic expectations
- Don’t be selfish
- Do as I say, not as I do
- It’s not okay to play or be playful
- Don’t rock the boat.
Even when a codependent person encounters someone with healthy boundaries, the codependent person still operates in their own system; they’re not likely to get too involved with people who have healthy boundaries.
This of course creates problems that continue to recycle; if codependent people can’t get involved with people who have healthy behaviors and coping skills, then the problems continue into each new relationship.
Physical and Emotional Consequences of Codependency:
Emotional problems such as depression, anxiety, relationship dysfunctions, and cycling between hyperactivity/lethargy are evident in many codependents.
Physical problems often result from untreated codependency. These may include: gastro-intestinal disturbances, colitis, ulcers, migraine headaches, non-specific rashes and skin problems, high blood pressure, insomnia, sleep disorders, and other stress related physical illnesses.
It is normal for persons to be concerned about those around them and those that they love. What a person does with that concern, what behavior is produced or displayed as a result of that concern, their reaction to it, is the decisive factor. As the disease progresses, the person displays more symptoms and becomes more depressed. These symptoms are identifiable, they include:
- Caretaking,
- Low Self-Worth
- Repression
- Obsession
- Controlling
- Denial
- Dependency
- Poor Communication
- Weak Boundaries
- Lack of Trust
- Anger
- Sex Problems
- Depression
The behaviors will become more and more self-destructive.
Characteristics of Co-dependent People Are:
An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others
A tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to “love” people they can pity and rescue
A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time
A tendency to become hurt when people don’t recognize their efforts
An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment
An extreme need for approval and recognition
A sense of guilt when asserting themselves
A compelling need to control others
Lack of trust in self and/or others
Fear of being abandoned or alone
Difficulty identifying feelings
Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change
Problems with intimacy/boundaries
Chronic anger
Lying/dishonesty
Poor communications
Difficulty making decisions
Questionnaire To Identify Signs Of Co-dependency
This condition appears to run in different degrees, whereby the intensity of symptoms are on a spectrum of severity, as opposed to an all or nothing scale. Please note that only a qualified professional can make a diagnosis of co-dependency; not everyone experiencing these symptoms suffers from co-dependency.
(1.) Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments?
(2.) Are you always worried about others’ opinions of you?
(3.) Have you ever lived with someone with an alcohol or drug problem?
(4.) Have you ever lived with someone who hits or belittles you?
(5.) Are the opinions of others more important than your own?
(6.) Do you have difficulty adjusting to changes at work or home?
(7.) Do you feel rejected when significant others spend time with friends?
(8.) Do you doubt your ability to be who you want to be?
(9.) Are you uncomfortable expressing your true feelings to others?
(10.) Have you ever felt inadequate?
(11.) Do you feel like a “bad person” when you make a mistake?
(12.) Do you have difficulty taking compliments or gifts?
(13.) Do you feel humiliation when your child or spouse makes a mistake?
(14.) Do you think people in your life would go downhill without your constant efforts?
(15.) Do you frequently wish someone could help you get things done?
(16.) Do you have difficulty talking to people in authority, such as the police or your boss?
(17.) Are you confused about who you are or where you are going with your life?
(18.) Do you have trouble saying “no” when asked for help?
(19.) Do you have trouble asking for help?
(20.) Do you have so many things going at once that you can’t do justice to any of them?
How is Co-dependency Treated?
Because co-dependency is usually rooted in a person’s childhood, treatment often involves exploration into early childhood issues and their relationship to current destructive behavior patterns. Treatment includes education, experiential groups, and individual and group therapy through which co-dependents rediscover themselves and identify self-defeating behavior patterns. Treatment also focuses on helping patients getting in touch with feelings that have been buried during childhood and on reconstructing family dynamics. The goal is to allow them to experience their full range of feelings again.
How Do Co-dependent People Behave?
Co-dependents have low self-esteem and look for anything outside of themselves to make them feel better. They find it hard to “be themselves.” Some try to feel better through alcohol, drugs or nicotine - and become addicted. Others may develop compulsive behaviors like workaholism, gambling, or indiscriminate sexual activity.
They have good intentions. They try to take care of a person who is experiencing difficulty, but the caretaking becomes compulsive and defeating. Co-dependents often take on a martyr’s role and become “benefactors” to an individual in need. A wife may cover for her alcoholic husband; a mother may make excuses for a truant child; or a father may “pull some strings” to keep his child from suffering the consequences of delinquent behavior.
The problem is that these repeated rescue attempts allow the needy individual to continue on a destructive course and to become even more dependent on the unhealthy caretaking of the “benefactor.” As this reliance increases, the co-dependent develops a sense of reward and satisfaction from “being needed.” When the caretaking becomes compulsive, the co-dependent feels choiceless and helpless in the relationship, but is unable to break away from the cycle of behavior that causes it. Co-dependents view themselves as victims and are attracted to that same weakness in the love and friendship relationships.
What is a Dysfunctional Family and How Does it Lead to Co-dependency?
A dysfunctional family is one in which members suffer from fear, anger, pain, or shame that is ignored or denied. Underlying problems may include any of the following:
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An addiction by a family member to drugs, alcohol, relationships, work, food, sex, or gambling.
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The existence of physical, emotional, or sexual abuse.
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The presence of a family member suffering from a chronic mental or physical illness.
Dysfunctional families do not acknowledge that problems exist. They don’t talk about them or confront them. As a result, family members learn to repress emotions and disregard their own needs. They become “survivors.” They develop behaviors that help them deny, ignore, or avoid difficult emotions. They detach themselves. They don’t talk. They don’t touch. They don’t confront. They don’t feel. They don’t trust. The identity and emotional development of the members of a dysfunctional family are often inhibited
Attention and energy focus on the family member who is ill or addicted. The co-dependent person typically sacrifices his or her needs to take care of a person who is sick. When co-dependents place other people’s health, welfare and safety before their own, they can lose contact with their own needs, desires, and sense of self.
When Co-dependency Hits Home
The first step in changing unhealthy behavior is to understand it. It is important for co-dependents and their family members to educate themselves about the course and cycle of addiction and how it extends into their relationships. Libraries, drug and alcohol abuse treatment centers and mental health centers often offer educational materials and programs to the public.
A lot of change and growth is necessary for the co-dependent and his or her family. Any caretaking behavior that allows or enables abuse to continue in the family needs to be recognized and stopped. The co-dependent must identify and embrace his or her feelings and needs. This may include learning to say “no,” to be loving yet tough, and learning to be self-reliant. People find freedom, love, and serenity in their recovery.
Hope lies in learning more. The more you understand co-dependency the better you can cope with its effects. Reaching out for information and assistance can help someone live a healthier, more fulfilling life.
What is Codependency?
Codependent Personality Disorder is a dysfunctional relationship with the self characterized by living through or for another, attempts to control others, blaming others, a sense of victimization, attempts to "fix" others, and intense anxiety around intimacy. It is very common in people raised in dysfunctional families, and in the partners and children of alcoholics and addicts. Most chemical dependency treatment centers now also offer treatment for Codependency.
Physical and Emotional Consequences of Codependency:
Emotional problems such as depression, anxiety, relationship dysfunctions, and cycling between hyperactivity / lethargy are evident in many codependents.
Physical problems often result from untreated codependency. These may include: gastro-intestinal disturbances, colitis, ulcers, migraine headaches, non-specific rashes and skin problems, high blood pressure, insomnia, sleep disorders, and other stress related physical illnesses.
Read about the characteristics and symptoms of codependency.
More about Codependency:
The following excerpt from the book, "The Emotionally Abused Woman: Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself," gives additional information about the dilemma of codependency. The book is by Beverly Engel, MFCC. It was published in 1990 by Ballantine Books. (Despite the gender specific terminology - this applies to both sexes.)
"The irony is that as much as a "codependent" feels responsibility for others and takes care of others, she believes deep down that other people are responsible for her. She blames others for her unhappiness and problems, and feels that it's other people's fault that she's unhappy.
Another irony is that while she feels controlled by people and events, she herself is overly controlling. She is afraid of allowing other people to be who they are and of allowing events to happen naturally. An expert in knowing best how things should turn out and how people should behave, the codependent person tries to control others through threats, coercion, advice giving, helplessness, guilt, manipulation, or domination."
Hope lies in learning more about Co-dependency. The more you understand, the better you can cope with its effects and move on to live a healthier, more fulfilling life.
